In an effort to respect his wishes and keep them private, I highly suggest reading this memo on country music singer Chris Cagle’s website, laugh your ass off, then share it with friends, family and random viewers.

I mean. Wow. As in holy-freaking-crap wow.

He has officially trumped any sorry-ass sob story in the history of country music sob stories. Ever. Even the one’s where the dog runs away and the pick-up truck breaks down.

(Link thanks to, and stated much more eloquently by, quasi-celebrity Jason Mulgrew.)

DEVELOPING: (Okay, it’s probably old news, I just always wanted to have something “develop”…) Apparently, it’s not his wife, but rather his girlfriend that had the kid. Doesn’t make it that much less messed up, but it helps. That and they were going to name the kid “Cannon”. The kid might be the lucky one out of all this. Sure, momma’s a whore, but at least now he has a chance of being named “Tim” or “Steve” or something.

BREAKING!: Rolling Stone gives us this little gem:

While the baby’s birth sent Cagle sky-high, the bottom line, proven shortly after the kid emerged from the womb, is that the real dad is someone else.

Exactly how long is “shortly after”? Because it’s bad enough the guy’s living a country music lyric life right about now, but if he had to live through the famous gag of “white couple giving birth to black child”, I don’t know that there’s a jury anywhere in the country (much less the South) that would convict him of anything that happened next.