Thanks to a couple, a few, a group, a horde, who knows how many low lifes out there, the last 20 hours of my computing life have been hell.

I will say now that hackers are among the lowest forms of life on earth. Even below spammers. Almost below those Tanzanians that try to get your checking account number, and only a shade above politicians. But they’re low.

Maybe I’ve been lucky. I probably haven’t taken the greatest care of my computer, I do a decent job unloading spyware and updating virus protection. Maybe it was karma catching up to me, but either way it sucks.

What follows is what I’m really thinking, and should not be read by parental types, children under 18, the elderly, or fans of Brazil and its citizens.

Hackers can kiss my fucking ass.

Seriously. And with tongue.

First, it was Friday night. A friend of mine was taking his personal time to help clean up, upgrade, fastify and generally make my computer better. Things were going along rather swimmingly when a worm/Trojan horse popped up out of nowhere. Internet Explorer (in all its God-forsaken Microsoft glory) was brought to its knees (and not to blow me, as I might have ordered it to do on numerous occasions). Apparently, it thought, thanks to this viral type piece of shit, that when you typed “www.google.com”, you REALLY wanted “www.www.google.com.net”. If that was some type of Bolivian porn site, I’d be a fan. But no, it of course did nothing. A little research, and we find out what causes, and in turn, needs to be killed, to fix this little roadblock. About four attempts later, we still don’t find anything that resembles what is supposedly fucking up my computer. So, not only do I not have a computer at home, my friend has to spend X more hours of his own time, with company at the house, to fix the damn thing.

On the bright side, it turned out to be a bit of a blessing, as my whole computer got wiped clean and set up as “new”, but it still took way longer, and caused way more headaches (for me, and I wasn’t even the one doing the work!) than it should have. All so some little shit-faced prick can show his buddies what he did and yank one off before he heads out to get in line for the Star Wars movie that’s coming out in two years or whatever.

Just when I think that *I* don’t have a life, this little cocksucker trumps me.

So today, after a lack of computer actually gives me the down time to make sure I hit the grocery store and catch a couple movies (nothing spectacular, the mindless and pretty ignorant “Stuck on You” or whatever, where Matt Damon proves that he can make ANYTHING and people will watch, and Greg Kinnear reminds us that people don’t know who Greg Kinnear is, nor do they care, and “The Cooler”, which I think I’d have to watch all the way through, but seemed decent, or at least decent enough that it was only mildly disturbing that William H. Macy’s yambag makes an appearance – though they could have saved his flesh balloon until AFTER they show the blonde sprawled out in all her birthday suity goodness, so you know for sure that you’re getting the trade-off).

But I digress. This isn’t about William H. Macy or his boys. This is about my afternoon. After I was productive this morning, I made my way to work and got an e-mail saying that my site was down, and all my homepage showed was something about “Simien’s Crew” and some funky language (both computer language and foreign language). I thought maybe the folks were smoking rocks again, or perhaps had something funky on their own computer, but I was wrong. There it was on my own homepage, a fucked up logo with a dragon and a rose and maybe a sword or something, and a whole lot of messed up writing, which I later found out to be a message about “looking forward, learning from the past but forgetting it and blah, blah, blah”.

Greeting card stuff.

In Portuguese.

On my site.

Where it doesn’t belong. Fuckers.

Turns out they got the whole server that this site is hosted on, and changed any file named “index.(whatever)” to their index.html page. In non-computer terms, it fucked up about 8 pages on my domain. Now I get to not only reload some software on my computer when I get it back, but I get to dig around and find new versions of what those assholes (or however you say assholes in Portuguese) changed and made me delete. Shouldn’t be too hard for some of it, but stuff like my photo gallery will be a little harder. By the time this thing sees the light of day, however, all should be well. I hope.

(Oh, and as for the crack on Brazilians, certainly the fine people of Portugal wouldn’t pull something like this, I mean, they’re to worried reminding people that they’re not Spain. It must be those Carnivale-having, language-stealing, big-ass-snakes-in-the-big-ass-river-having Brazilians. Fuckers.)

Have a nice day.