I was all ready to go on a rampage about the Oscars, or at least the 12 1/2 minutes I caught of it, no more than 27 seconds at any one time, but then I realized I don’t care. And that my apathy toward the whole sham that is Hollywood probably wouldn’t matter to the people who really did care. That and I came to the realization that the nancy boys that watch the Oscars and know who won “Best Supporting Crustacean in a Documentary” in 1983 probably also don’t give a rat’s ass that I know that Steve Lombardozzi hit .412 in the 1987 World Series, Julio Franco led off the 1988 Cleveland Indians season with a home run to center field off of Charlie Hough, or that there is an inherent (and damn funny) irony in the fact that Roy Tarpley shared a court with Antoine Joubert at Michigan in the mid-80’s.

So I’ll stick to a few thoughts:

-Chris Rock did a decent job, from what I saw. Most of what I saw was from clips they ran on Oprah today (I swear I have to watch it because its on at work!). Pretty funny, though the political stuff could have stayed at home. Fortunately for him, just about every time he started to think he was at the Apollo, he realized he wasn’t.

-Moving around to random corners of the theater for awards presentation was only outgayed by the times they lined all the nominees up on stage, beauty pageant style. Its bad enough for the losers that they get their faces shown on the giant split-screen when they find out they suck, but to make them stand tall and walk across a stage after losing? That’s harsh.

-Tim Robbins will always have the top spot on my list of “people that need to be kicked in the sack and then hit with a dump truck”, but I think Annette Benning comes in a close second. I can’t even think of having seen her in any movies, but every time I see her giving a speech somewhere, I want the podium to rise up and eat her.

-Finally, in the Hollywood world of plastic surgery, could someone PLEASE give Hillary Swank a different mouth? Pretty please? Or at least if they’re going to do that slow rising shot of what everyone’s wearing, flash a giant “WARNING!!! Giant teeth in a man’s mouth coming in 5…4…3…2…” Just to give us a chance, you know? Or black out the part of the screen where her mouth goes when she talks. Mouth aside, she very well might be a 10. Or even a solid 9-point-something, but that cakehole takes points away faster than a French ice skating judge.*

*-Insert obligatory Jamie Sale reference here. If she’s not the hottest Canadian with a lazy eye ever, I don’t know who is.