Starting tomorrow, when the NFL highlights are over, ESPN does not exist in my apartment. At least not during the 16 hours a day when SportsCenter is on. Basically, I don’t need the Red Sox-Yankees series to get pounded into my brain like one of those circus freaks that pounds nails into their nose. I could go on and on, but I think Pete summed it up pretty well.

I could also write another novel on what I think of Jamal Lewis, the entire Ravens organization, the NFL and the federal court system, but why do that when John Kruk has already done it for me? (Feel free to skip past the first two sections, unless all-day weed binges and/or forced anal s..err, alleged forced anal sex *COUGH COUGH* appeal to you.)

And finally, I could probably ramble forever about Ohio State’s loss this afternoon, but Dan has done it so eloquently, I don’t feel the need. (Feel free to stop at the part about F1 racing, though that’s pretty funny too. Definitely stop after that though, ’cause that’s when the violence starts happening.)

Oh, and I’d like to thank Tyler Ecker for restoring my faith as a Michigan fan. I’ve been a Michigan fan since birth, am pretty fanatical about it, though not as much as I once was, and lately I’ve been feeling like I’m “going through the motions” with Michigan games. But today, as the Maize and Blue marched down the field behind by 4 late in the game, and true freshman (and showing it less and less every week, but still showing it) quarterback Chad Henne hit his big TE over the middle, and watching him slip one tackle and stomp untouched into the endzone for the winning score brought back memories of Desmond Howard flat out against Notre Dame, Mercury Hayes in the corner against Virginia, and even Tai Streets against Ohio State and in the ’98 Rose Bowl, and everything was all right.

Any-hoo, back to the real reason I’m here, to defend my Week 4 NFL picks. Pete’s backed into a corner, and Week 5 is the time to strike. Besides, my horoscope today said “This would be a good week to win some imaginary pride in some imaginary wagering over professional sporting events.”

So here I go:

Miami at NEW ENGLAND – I wish someone, anyone would beat New England so that we don’t have to hear about how many games in a row the Patriots have won this week. I really didn’t mind the Pats, in fact I kind of liked them, until recently when all this “how many games in a row have they won” crap, and that all their fans are coming out of the woodwork, and they’re as bad as Red Sox fans. Wait, they ARE Red Sox fans. So now, all I’m left with is to constantly remember that Bill Belichick had a chance to do this with the Browns. And of course he messed it up.

Oakland @ INDIANAPOLIS – If Oakland can’t win in Houston, they might give up 50 to the Colts. Probably not, because the NFL likes to keep a 38 point cap on most games, but it could happen.

Minnesota @ HOUSTON – The Vikes could easily be the best team over the past 4 years that really pretty much sucks. Maybe once Onterrio Smith puts the pipe down they can play some football. This week, however, the suckage continues deep in the heart of Texas.

NY Giants @ DALLAS – No clue on this one, but I forgot to type “NY Giants” in all caps by the time I got to the “@”, so I’ll go with Dallas.

Detroit @ ATLANTA – They keep talking about cutting back on Michael Vick running the ball. No word on if Vick whines to his coaches, “But coach, its the Liiiiionnnnns!”

Tampa Bay @ NEW ORLEANS – Chris Simms gets the start for the Bucs, and somewhere Major Applewhite is at a Home Depot shopping for shower rods and extension cords.

CLEVELAND @ Pittsburgh – Because I will be driving to work during the game, I’d like to think my little streak can continue. Also, because nothing would be finer than putting a boot up Bill Cowher’s … ummm… chin.

JACKSONVILLE @ San Diego – Jacksoville is better than I thought, San Diego is also somewhat better than I thought, but until LaDanian Tomlinson starts placekicking, the Jags win a tight one.

Buffalo @ NY JETS – Jets win 17-14. How Buffalo scores twice? The world may never know.

St. Louis @ SEATTLE – Shaun Alexander is reportedly healed. 186 yards and three scores later, the STL “D” won’t be.

ARIZONA @ San Francisco – At least ESPN gives San Fran a break before displaying their horrifying offense on national TV again at the end of the month.

CAROLINA @ Denver – Has anyone given me a reason to NOT hate Denver yet? Oh yeah, Quentin Grif… oops, nevermind.

BALTIMORE @ Washington – If the Ravens can have TWO players skirt serious convictions and jail time, surely they can avoid the Washington defense, right?

Tennessee @ GREEN BAY – If I’m a member of Brett Favre’s family and he has a Monday night game coming up the next week, I’m NOT DOING ANYTHING. At all. Just give me a chair to sit in, and I’ll watch the wall for a week. (As for the game, Favre playing for his brother-in-law’s memory beats Billy Volek throwing like a girl anyday. If Steve McNair plays, Favre winning one for the dead guy still trumps it.)