Hurricane Ivan sets his course towards Cuba, and then if we’re lucky we get to hear about people in Florida losing siding and electricity at their resort homes and their yachts getting smacked around. (Go ahead, Pookie.) When does hurricane season end, anyway? And why are so many of them given names no one would ever use?

Anyway, back to the mainland. I realized today that for as much as I hate “finger quotes”, they should absolutely be mandatory when ordering a “steak” philly that actually is more hamburger-ish than it is steak. Not that it wasn’t a good sandwich, but if I knew it would have been a slab of beef instead of some form of chopped/sliced/shaved beef, I would have gone with the chicken.

For my money, the best milk is 2%… (Ladies and gentlemen, Mr. Larry King!)

I would be completely willing to sacrifice the next 4 months of my life if it means I can stop hearing about “ESPN’s 25th Anniversary”. It was cool until maybe January 18th. The last time I saw something as self-serving as this, it had the name “Trump” attached. And now they’re coming out with a special DVD. Who the hell is going to buy this? And if I have to see one more SportsCenter commercial with Charlie Steiner laughing uncontrollably, I think I’m going to go Elvis on my TV. Fortunately, I’ve only caught one of their “top 25” shows, and it was a hack job, so I haven’t had to go back and watch Stuart Scott “drop some knowledge” on me while winking at me unconsciously. Its like the left side of his face wants to sleep, while the right side wants to dance, dance, dance!

And “The Jeopardy Guy” is back. I think we’ll all know the fix is in when one day they break out a game board with categories like “Sports”, “80’s Television” and “Drinking Games”, just to embarrass the guy and get him the hell off the show. Without watching much of the show, I can only imagine they’re coddling the guy just a bit.
“Tonight’s Final Jeopardy answer: ‘He won $1.3 million dollars on a game show, and hasn’t been laid since his mom turned off Cinemax'”
“Who is me, Alex?”
“Correct!”

That or they can just take him out back and shoot him. Either way, we win.