So the death of former President Reagan wasn’t a total surprise, but Ray Charles, too? I don’t think he saw that one coming.

*insert rimshot and/or sound of crickets chirping here*

Now that we’re into what, month 9 of the Reagan funeral, I keep having conflicting feelings about Nancy. Since the Reagans were the first “First Family” I ever really paid attention to (thank God I was too young to notice what the Carters were about), I’ve always pictured Nancy as the consummate First Lady. Now, watching this poor, frail woman spend a week having to see her husbands coffin carried all over the country (which, while dignified with the parades and planes and all, isn’t nearly as cool as if we’d have a “Hands Across America”-esque relay with a flimsy pine box holding the former President like they do in the Middle East. Do you realize the international relations gold mine that would be?), I can’t help but think that at some point in the next hour or so, as they lower Reagan’s casket into that kickass vault overlooking the mountains and the Pacific Ocean, Nancy might belt out a loud shriek, yell “I’m coming, Ronnie!” and clutch onto the casket for dear life as it is lowered into the ground. That, or she’ll turn into a crazy reclusive cat lady like Jackie Kennedy did in her later years.

I think the thing I’m most amazed with is that Presidents are asked to submit a full funeral plan upon leaving office. If this is true, I can’t wait until Clinton goes.

“I, William Jefferson Clinton, wish to have my body on display for 3 days at the U.S. Capitol building, followed by a large formal memorial service at the National Cathedral. On the evening of the third day, my remains are to be carted, by horseback, to a barbecue in suburban Little Rock, where my casket is to be propped up next to the keg, and the enclosed “No Fat Chicks” bumper sticker to be applied to the head of the casket. Please also purchase and attach a light-up license plate frame that reads “My Other Car is a NASCAR”, and a decal of that cute Calvin kid taking a whiz on a picture of Hillary. If you can secure a Confederate car flag to secure in my casket before closing, that would be appreciated as well. The Marine Corps band can take the week off, as I wish for Lynrd Skynrd to perform at all official functions. At the end of the week, please remove me from my coffin and pose me in the window of the Lincoln Bedroom, semi-nude, if possible. Thank you.”

How bad is it when Larry King is a nice break in the arrogance of CNN from Wolf Blitzer and Paula Zahn. If they’d have thrown in those cheeseheads Aaron Brown and Miles O’Brien, I might have to break my TV. And I keep waiting for Larry to break into one of his memories of Reagan like it was one of his old USA Today columns:

“I had the pleasure of knowing the Reagans, and a finer man you’ll never meet… OJ Simpson killed his wife 10 years ago tomorrow. Club soda will get blood off your Bruno Maglis…Sources say Nancy Reagan likes her bourbon. I say, she likes her moonshine, too.”

They say that every gift the President receives is filed and stashed in their Presidential Library after they leave office. I wonder if the Reagans still have that get well card I sent in first grade after he got shot? Maybe I’ll make some calls.

*****

From the Unintentional Humor Department, ESPN News was interviewing the spectator that stepped in to caddy at this weeks PGA tour event, and when asked what his responsibilities as caddy were, the man replied, “you know, carry his bag, clean his clubs, clean off his balls, just take good care of him.” (If its not funny to you right away, say it with a New York accent.) Coming in second place, from the same broadcast, is the guy from the National Amateur Dodgeball Association, who commented that in the time since the organization was founded, they are proud to report there “have been no ball-related injuries.” Well that’s good.

Cincinnati men’s basketball coach Bob Huggins got in a little trouble with the “drinky drinky, drivey drivey” this week. No wonder UC basketball players have such a hard time with academics, with as much trouble as their coach has with the alphabet!

Huggins had slurred speech and red, watery eyes, the report said. Officers said he “staggered” out of the car and couldn’t keep his balance during the sobriety test.

Asked to recite the alphabet from the letter “E” through “P,” Huggins said, “E, F, G, H, I, K, L, N, Z,” according to the police report. Asked to count backward from 67 to 54, he counted from 62 to 52, the report said.

Officers tried to give a breath analyzer test, but Huggins couldn’t complete it, the report said.

No word on if he’ll be out of a job or not, but if he is, Larry Eustachy is still in the lead for the “Coolest Way To Lose A College Coaching Job With Alcohol Award”. Unless Huggins had hookers in his trunk, too.