What started as a brief comment to a post over at Tom’s Place has become a full-fledged shot at stealing some of his glory. (Although really, I don’t think I can top the “…then you’re an asshole” line if I tried. That’s not to say I’m not going to try, because WHOAAAAA NELLIE! am I gonna try.

In their continuing quest to prove that they realize there are things going on in the sports world outside the friendly confines of Fenway Park, or inside Derek Jeter’s jockstrap (somewhere between his taint and A-Rod’s fingertips), they’re back to their “Best Athletes Ever” antics, which once again start with Michael Jordan, and include a list of other popular, yet not-quite-as-deserving athletes in the top five.

As I mentioned (and Tom pointed out as well), Jordan is currently in the top spot in the “SportsNation” voting (seriously, does EVERYTHING have to have “Nation” after it now? It makes me nauseous. Next up is current favorite Lance Armstrong, followed by Ali, Gretzky and Ruth in the top five, with Jim Thorpe actually jumping up a spot since Tom’s post to sixth.

Here’s where we get to Tom’s argument, and the part I agree with completely. If Jim Thorpe isn’t the greatest athlete of all time, then he’s close enough behind Jim Brown to count the knitted stitches in his hat.

Thorpe rocked. I don’t have the numbers, or the chandelier story that Tom wouldn’t share, but he did everything, and kicked ass while he did it. Baseball, football, track and field, probably many more, but he was a stud at whatever he did.

Jim Brown was the same way. To steal even more from Tom’s post, he’s arguably the greatest football player of all time, greatest lacrosse player of all time, and was a stud in other sports as well. And if they ever put ho tossing in the Olympics, he can probably still medal there, too. Probably the only reason I’d give Brown the nod is because he played for the Browns and was in “I’m Gonna Git You Sucka”. (Actually, I’d give Brown the nod because he dominated sports in an era where athletes were starting to get in shape for specific sports. I wasn’t around then, but Thorpe’s time seemed to be one where if you showed up, you played. And when you’re a stud in that group, you’re gonna kick some tail.)

But all that’s stuff you’ve read already, right?

Here’s where I have a problem with the other ones. As Tom pointed out, Michael Jordan is a good, but not spectacular golfer, and barely (if at all) hit his weight in the low minors. That’s like me failing a long division test. Quit one career because you figure you’re good enough to take on another, and you flop. Greatest basketballer ever? Yeah, probably. Greatest “athlete”? Not when you’ve got the deadly duo mentioned above.

I don’t even want to talk about having Tiger Woods on that list. Greatest golfer ever? That’s relative. (Give Hogan or Nicklaus, maybe even Palmer and Watson a 450cc driver and a sonic-balanced putter in their prime and see what they win. Those guys were hitting balls with blocks of wood and putting with sticks you’d turn your nose up at down at the local Putt Putt.) But I want to see Tiger play sports at any other level, much less the highest level, before I passed that judgement on.

Muhammed Ali is the same way. Greatest in his sport, but give him a basketball and see what he’s got.

Lance Armstrong is simply the popular pick this week. Great story, great effort on the bike, but really, what else can he do? If you’re comparing him to other cyclists, he’s probably far and away the best (though I’ve read some stuff lately that he focuses so much on the Tour de France that he might not be the best all-around cyclist). But give him a series of 10-to-6 curveballs, and I bet he sics Sheryl Crow on ya.

Now. This is the part of the post where I go to hell in so many ways it would make Josef Mengele cringe.

The Armstrong cancer story is a great one. God willing, I never have to go through anything remotely like that. But now that he’s recovered, and is healthy, how is he any different than other cyclists? Is he getting extra credit for the cancer awareness campaign? For starting the yellow (and every other color) bracelet fad? (I really do hate calling it a fad, because I guarantee that everyone has been touched by cancer in one way or another, but how many people cared about it or thought about it enough before it became cool to show your support on your wrist? And in the same vein, would this make the guy that invented the magnetic car ribbons the greatest something of all time? Just wondering.) I mean, does this put Lance on par with Jesus? Because as far as I’ve heard, Jesus suffered for our sins. Did Lance suffer so frat boys could flash a yellow bracelet to pull some tail with his “sympathetic side”? I’m just sayin’ here….

The rest of ESPN’s list is a joke, plain and simple. The only list Barry Bonds deserves to be on has the words “Federal Subpoena” on the top. Dale Earnhardt? Seriously, I know they do alot of things I couldn’t do, but I still don’t buy the “drivers are athletes, too” argument. Besides, after 20 some years in the sport, he still couldn’t remember that you turn left every freaking time? And what’s with Annika Sorenstam and the softball chick (something Fernandez)? Everytime Annika has tried to “take it to the next level” (i.e., “play with men for a change”), she gets smacked down. How does this make her a greatest athlete ever contestant?

ESPN needs to get back to showing the games and the scores and not worry about the fancy stuff they think people will care about. Either that or just cash it all in and start the “Sox-Yankees League” in MLB, so they can show them play each other 162 times a year. As I mentioned to Dan earlier this evening, the over/under for the date when ESPN.com turns into a blue column and a red column and nothing else is September 22.

Vegas is taking bets as we speak.