Thanks to Mr. Poon’s week long tribute to “Fletch” (not to be confused with his eternal tribute to “Fletch”) , with the constant barrage of one liners from one of, if not the finest, movie ever made, I have to pat myself on the back again for one I broke out at work the other day.

As a warehouse fire burned, about a half dozen producer and management types were running around all giddy and trying to figure out what the place was. All they had to go on was a general cross street and a sign on the side of an adjacent building. Out of the blue, the news director yells “What does that sign say?”, I break out with “No fighting”. I was proud. Of course, it was basically like an “excuse me” single to right, when I could have, and should have, gone with “No bare feet”, but I was happy regardless.

*****

As the week of breaking news hell (and overtime galore) continued the next day, we spent all afternoon and evening watching a hostage situation outside Indianapolis. While I didn’t get to see it end, and my lack of internet and television (see below) kept me in the dark until early evening, reading that article might have been one of the most comical pieces of journalism I’ve ever read that involved someone’s death.

First thought, the hostage (chick in the picture) doesn’t look too bad, almost Elisabeth Shue-ish “could be really hot with minimal effort”, until you get to the line about “Smith, 29, has seven children aged 2 to 13”. Wow. Her uterus is so busy it comes with a toll booth.

Later, there’s this gem:

“He was really an OK guy to me, besides holding a gun to my head.”

Really? Because while I can see how some people will see the good in others regardless of the situation, I think I could hate my own grandmother if she ever put a gun to my head. Though it does give me the perfect opportunity to revisit this classic Marge Schott quote, “Hitler had some good ideas, he just went a little too far.”

(A quick Googling also attributed that quote to NHL Hall of Famer Bobby Hull, almost verbatim, so I don’t know what to believe, though I do remember Schott breaking it out once, and it does seem to fit her personality better.)

Finally, the suspect/dead guy in the hostage situation expresses his displeasure for the lack of booze in the store. Welcome to Indiana, buddy. Maybe you should study up on your neighboring states and their liquor laws a little before you go on wild shootin’ sprees?

He’s just lucky he didn’t try to hold up a bar on Election Day.