I know I’m too old for a few things. For example, I know that riding the little horses outside K-Mart is one thing, no matter how tempting, I’m too old for.

But what about getting sweaty, shaky palms, and a “look at what I’m about to get away with grin” as I sit on the brink of a perfect game in Playstation baseball? With a schmuck like Joaquin Benoit, no less. Of course, the details of the 9th inning, 2-out, 1-2 count change-up the .111 replacement infielder hit off the left field wall for a double are a little sketchy, and I *did* finish with a one-hitter and an 11-0 win, but man that was freaky. And I should have stuck with the slider on the inside corner, which I have affectionately dubbed “Backdoor Little Joe”, with all apologies to Ice Cube and my brother, the original creators of “Backdoor Little Joe”. One has sold millions of records, the other was kicked out of a high school prom last month. At an all-boys high school. Go figure.

One of the funniest moments I’ve had playing this baseball game, though, (and here’s where a lesser man, i.e., ESPN.com’s Bill Simmons would drop a phrase like “pantheon moment of unintentional comedy”, or something equally gay and cliche-ish) is the ambient noise from the crowd. There are a couple phrases from fans I can’t remember that make me laugh, but the vendors are more prevalent. Usually its the normal “Popcorn, here! Get your fresh popcorn here!” and such, but one time, and one time only, during a lull in the action, a vendor breaks out “Who wants a chili dog?”

It cracked me up. Still does. So much so that I actually wait for it. It’s not every day that a video game drops a line that doubles as ballpark noise and a line from a low budget porn flick.

As for the title (and its obvious connection with chili dogs)… “Want me to drag him outta here? Kick the shit out of him?”

(For the record, I just made my picks for this weekend’s Indy 500. Anyone who cares and isn’t half in the tank between now and race time and wants to pick too, feel free. We’ll go on a simple reverse point system, 33 points for first, 32 for second… 1 for last. With a 10 point bonus for picking the winner. My picks are done, and will post Sunday at noon.)