What follows could get a little randy. If you’re against liberal use of the English language, including words which only appear in the best dictionaries, or are so in love with your college basketball team full of convicts, partial qualifiers and future dog catchers that you feel the need to leave random comments about said convicts, dummies and civil servants almost a year after the fact on a random website, you might want to turn away now.

On second thought, the comment leavers can stay. You’re the reason I’m here.

First, let us start with the impetus for the madness that’s sure to follow. A couple nights ago, I get a random comment from “Jacque”. Man, just the name alone conjures up thoughts of blatent homosexuality. And crossaints. The comment was in response to one of my favorite posts, and went a little something like this:

this site is fucking gay why dont you leave UC basketball alone…what are you doing with your life? sitting behind you computer looking at your stupid website beating off?? yeah you are a piece of shit.

Wow. So much anger, yet so much concern about my well-being. I didn’t know how to take it. I mean, after all, what AM I doing with my life? Probably not nearly as well as you, old friend, since I’m not in line for that “head fry cook” position at Burger King, and I don’t own a fancy personalized mop given to me from my good friends at Wal-Mart, but I think I’m doing pretty well for myself. If you still don’t think I’m doing all that well, ask your sister about the diamond earrings I gave her. If she doesn’t remember any earrings, ask her about the pearl necklace. I know she enjoyed that one.

Also, I’m not going to fall into your little trap, telling you about how much I beat off looking at my “stupid website”. That would be far to easy for your little fantasy. Besides, although I’m a horribly attractive man, I get much better results if I look into a mirror. If this is a cry for help, and you’d like me to post more pictures of myself to help you out, let me know. I’ll be happy to oblige. Also, if you need someone to unlock those Japanese animation sites your mom blocked so you can “get to the good stuff”, let me know, I’d be happy to help you out there, too.

Now, as for the real reason for all the hate and venom spewed my way, let me make a deal with you. The next time (i.e., “the first time”) I get a DUI and make an ass out of myself on police video, you can make your own website and point out to everyone how I was so shitfaced I couldn’t count, walk, or get the alphabet even remotely close. Deal? Or how about the next time I beat someone with a whiskey bottle and order him killed, you can e-mail all my friends and family and tell them what a fuck up I am. Maybe you’d rather wait until I get a 6 or a 7 on my ACT exam before you have your program offer me a scholarship?

You know, there’s a reason that the phrase “cincinnati basketball arrested” brings back over 78,000 results in a Google search, and it has nothing to do with being a bunch of choir boys. I guess all can be forgotten when you’ve brought home as many NCAA Tournament titles as the Bearcats have, right? Maybe if Huggins’ boys would put as much effort into the second round of the tournament as they do thugging it up the rest of the year, they wouldn’t be the laughingstock of everyone’s office brackets every March. Of course, they wouldn’t be getting that nice fat commission check from Kansas every year, for making people forget how bad they choke year in and year out, but at least the Jayhawks have brought home some hardware in the last 20 years.

I would like to thank you for taking the time to produce a well-thought out piece of commentary to leave on my site, though. I had absolutely nothing to write about (you know, because I’ve been busy with work and beating off and such lately, fry boy) for the past few days, but you’ve changed that for me. And I thank you.

Now if you’ll excuse me, this “piece of shit” is gonna go rub another one out in honor of your mother.