...Arthur Carlson, child molestor

Here's why I hate Bill Simmons, but can never stop reading him.

As I've stated before, I think Simmons (of ESPN.com's "Sports Guy" fame, if you're still completely lost) can be one damn funny dude. He can also be annoying, frattish and his references to New England's various athletic teams has made me want to write "Screw Boston" in the snow every time I have to pee this winter.

Then he comes out with this gem.

I thought another article about the Ron Artest v. the people of Detroit fight, especially one written for ESPN the Magazine as opposed to just for the heathens that read his website, would be thick in "this is what's wrong with society" and "I'm not taking my kids to an NBA game ever" and "you would never see an upstanding member of society like Boston Celtic Ricky Davis pull something like this".

I was completely wrong.

The first paragraph is good enough by itself. I remember that I was working in the produce department at Kroger when the OJ chase went down, was in an apartment in Bowling Green when Lady Di died (living in Columbus at the time), and I don't remember much about the second Tyson-Holyfield fight. And I certainly don't remember what I was doing when it was on, but if you can't give a man props for not only a Diff'rent Strokes reference, much less the one where Gordon Jump tries to take naughty pictures of Arnold and Dudley (I wonder what Dudley ever did with his career?), then you better stop trying to give a man his props. That was classic.

In fact, between that and the kinda bad band we caught 15 minutes of last night after work (the lead singer/guitarist was bizarre and twitchy, like an epileptic being hit with a taser), I've decided that if I ever start a band, it will include the name "Gordon Jump", and all concert posters will have headshots of Arnold and Dudley.

************
Want to know how easy kids have it now?

I remember the days of my childhood when the fun of opening a new box of cereal was shifting the contents either visually, or by rummaging through the cereal with your hand, and distorting the box to anything BUT box-shaped until you could find the toy inside. This morning, I opened a new box of Corn Pops (Yes, I'm 30 and eating Corn Pops. Deal with it.), which featured a Spongebob Squarepants watch inside. I open the box, and there it is. On the top, outside the bag of cereal, not even stuck to anything with that fun glue-type stuff that looks like a booger if you roll it up in your fingers. Just right there for the taking.

And they wonder what's wrong with kids in society today. Heh.

...Annie get your gun (aka "BLADE!")

Okay, eight days is long enough. Here is last weekend in a neatly wrapped package...

Friday was pretty tame by most standards, considering it was a Friday, I was in Columbus by happy hour, and our usual kick-ass bar had turned into a bad early '90s dance club. Seems that someone thought it would be a good idea to turn a bar with a maximum capacity that couldn't possibly exceed 150, maybe 175 if you mix in a few anorexics, and have a reunion of some 240 people (plus the regular patrons that were already at the bar). What this turned into is finding a table, close to the bar for easy enough access to refills, then deal with one time frat punks pretending they owned the place, which included practically sitting in my lap at times, and using our table as a final resting place for their empties. We put in a solid three or so hours there, and the final tab for 6 or 9 of us came to roughly $37 plus tip. Reason 3,482 why Amy1 at Gibby's is the best bartender in the world, slightly ahead of Amy2 at Gibby's, with Kim from Tavern in the picture in third (mostly because she's hot and likes to share shots). Throw in some grilled chicken fingers and curly fries (at seven bucks and change, it's still the best dinner deal in Ohio), and it was a good night. Top it off with a stop at the Pointe Tavern (featured on Comedy Central's Insomniac with Dave Attell), and it was an even better night. With the promise of troughs full of alcohol to come on Saturday.

The football-related part of Saturday has already been discussed, so we can skip to the postgame. After a beer at the car waiting for traffic to thin, and a trip to pick up/move cars and drop off some equipment, we headed for the bar. Less than a block away, we find out we get to play taxi for the night (well, Pete plays taxi, I just sat in traffic with him) as Joel finds out that finding a cab on OSU's campus the day of the OSU-Michigan game is like finding a black guy in South Dakota. It ain't happening. (My apologies to black men in South Dakota, this originally a Minnesota joke, but with the Twins, T'Wolves and Vikings, not to mention half of Prince, it just wasn't working.) In the trip through throngs of drunken coeds (and I think there were some guys in the crowd, too) to pick up Joel, Michelle and Nate, a very intoxicated (and sometimes pantsless) Nate got lost from the group and was left behind. Kind of like that scene in "Finding Nemo" where all the cute little fish die, except there were no fish, and I can only imagine that there is nothing "cute" about a half-naked Nate.

The crowd B. Hampton's (a nice bar, with GREAT happy hour prices, but I never got a good read on the clientele in my seven years in Columbus) was nice, but getting increasingly cramped as the crowd from campus spread south, so we bailed for what we figured would be a less-crowded bar with better food and drink access. Hitting Club 185 in German Village, we found out that we were right. It was much less crowded, and food and drink were on us quickly. Unfortunately, this lasted for about 45 minutes and we were back to drunks trying to sit in our lap. It was college all over again.

This is the first "I have to share this" moment of the night, really. When we decided that it was time for the five of us to get some food, never did we imagine that it would involve chicken quesadillas, a cheeseburger, a bacon and mushroom DOUBLE cheeseburger and a large pepperoni pizza. And when the pizza was gone, that Pete and I would almost simultaneously utter "I could go for another pizza", and flag down a waitress like I was looking for a cab in the rain. Seriously, I knew I was hungry, but if Colombia was known for its double cheeseburger trafficking, I was Tony Montana.

With the food a distant memory, its time for the first napkin game of the night. Stoli Raspberry, Absolut Mandarin, and Malibu. Not pleasant, but not bad for something that you could wax a floor with. It was then that I made the decision that quite possibly changed the weekend. And almost got us killed. But it changed the weekend.

(Read this part in your best "guy from NFL films" voice.)

With the troops dragging, and the end of the night in sight, ready to call it a day and retire to their bunks, one brave soldier rose above the call of duty, rallied his men (and women) to continue the fight. After all, it was merely 9pm, and there was plenty of life left in this night.

Okay, stop with the voice thing, already!

I get the group to stop at a townie bar, on the way home, but still far from bed. Paulie's Westburgh Inn (or something like that) on Trabue Road in Columbus. The 60 year old woman that greeted us at the door was a sure sign of things to come. She asked each of us if we were the cab driver, some of us twice. Give her some music, and granny starts dancing. Then talking to us like we weren't laughing uncontrollably at her. Then lets us know that she was going to take off her shirt. Fortunately, and despite Joel's pleas, she remained dressed, but had found a friend. Joel bought her a drink, Pete tried to call her a cab. Only the drink was successful, and it gave us free reign to make fun of her for the rest of the night. (Picture possibly forthcoming.)

The second and final napkin game of the night came here, Kessler's, Cutty Sark and Frangelica. Yum! Or, um, something like that. A few more beers here, and we headed for home. After a stop at another bar.

This bar was best described by Joel in the parking lot. "It's like El Camino, El Camino, El Camino, Audi, El Camino..." Pretty accurate, actually. But it was a nice bar inside, beers and Jager/cherry bombs were enjoyed, and a little video crack was enjoyed, until the rednecks started to rumble. A broken pool cue, a bloody nose, a shirtless man, and a girl with a bloody face later, and they close the bar. This was our cue to leave, and the people coming in talking about a shirtless man in the parking lot going to get his guns was our cue to leave a hell of a lot faster.

Man, this is getting long. And I even skipped the Ron Artest fight from Friday night, and I'm sure a couple of lines from the old lady at the previous bar.

Now after midnight, everyone doing pretty well, we stop at Pete's house to tell his absolutely wonderful and ever so gracious wife April that we could have died. Or at least gotten blood splattered on us. Or near us. Maybe. At this point, we decide its time to hit another bar, April opts out and we hit the road for Tavern.

Tavern is short for "Run of the Mill Tavern", the bar that sponsored my softball team for 4 or 5 years, and was the site of the "victory lap" after the Browns beat the Jaguars on a Hail Mary in 2002.

All I remember here was another cherry bomb, two Washington Apple shots, a couple more beers, and Pete making girls cry with his inadvertant joke about "Stan the Jager Man", who apparently died at or near that bar in the last 4 months. Not necessarily the best timing, I guess. But we did meet Liz, who promised to read this site, and I think we even got her to pick up another drink after her friends left to meet her at her own house. That's what we like in our group, a real trooper!

So after thinking about bed at 9pm, we closed that bar, and pulled back into Pete's around 3am, once again waking April up, this time with softball in the driveway. Somehow she put up with our loud drunkeness for awhile, made us chili, and we all went to bed. Have I mentioned how wonderful she is?

Like I said, I'm sure there's alot more, but I spent long enough waiting to post this, and I've taken up an awful lot of space already. But its documented and now its time for bed.

...and then the rains came

There were about a dozen different ways I debated starting this column. Then I saw Bonnie Bernstein reporting in a downpour with this cute little rain hat and pigtails. I suddenly became distracted. And then I saw something shiny and was distracted again. Now I'm back and ready to talk about the Browns.

The Browns have some of the most devoted fans in pro sports. Any sport, any fans, from coast-to-coast. My question is, what in the hell do we have to expect out of this team to get any kind of results? We spend the greater part of the season taking the "stabbing our eyes out with a rusty fork" option over watching what they put on the field to resemble an offense, but at the same time, looking with some kind of hope that if the offense can explode for 20 points in a single game, the defense should keep us in it and we might even win.

Then today happens. Forty-eight points by the offense. 48. XLVIII. More points than any Browns team has scored in one game in 15 years. More points than most recent Browns teams have scored in back-to-back games combined.

And they lose.

Not just a "hey, we're playing Kansas City here and somehow they'll find a way to win 49-48, because Kansas City always wins games 49-48 it seems", but they lost by 10. Probably the most painful part is that this newly-found "offense" (it's a strange word, one I haven't seen in at least 12 years coming out of Cleveland) took time late in the game to remind us that they're the Browns.

Kelly Holcomb, playing his familiar role of "I'll light you up as a starter once, but please don't watch the game film and figure me out, because I'll never do it again", drives the Browns down the field to cut the lead to three, then puts them up with 10 minutes left thanks to an interception from that timely, if not nearly close to efficient the rest of the time, defense of the Browns, and all is good.

Somewhere in the next 10:22 is where I'm lucky I wasn't sitting at home, where my TV could become a projectile. Thanks to NFL.com, I get to watch Holcomb take two sacks, and throw an interception for the deciding score. Fortunately, NFL.com didn't show me that the pick was a floating screen pass to a tight end at the line of scrimmage. You know all the times a play like that gets dropped and you and your buddies collectively sigh/gasp/shout/curse "Oooh! That was almost six." Yeah, it was one of those. And it was six. Deltha O'Neal (who's name sounds like he should have been a female co-star on a 70's black sitcom) should be sending a really nice Christmas present to the Holcomb house this year.

To top it all off, as the Browns drove into Bengals territory in the final minute, with visions of sugar plums, touchdowns, onside kicks and all kinds of miraculous bullshit, or near bullshit that tends to happen to the Browns, they snap the ball 25 yards past the quarterback, just to remind us that we are, in fact, the Browns.

Postgame quote of the week goes to safety Robert Griffith: "When it rains it pours, and right now we've got to turn off the sprinkler." I don't think its a sprinkler, anymore, Robert. Have you ever been to Niagara Falls?

Oh, and no matter how you spell it, its not a good year to be an Andre/Andra Davis. Both AD's are out of the Browns lineup, the defensive Davis for the year, the offensive Davis is out on a weekly basis until the end of the season. I'm finally starting to realize that they shouldn't be the only guys named Davis who aren't around for the rest of the year.

At least Bonnie Bernstein looked good.

...the 12 weeks of NFL picks

Okay, so sometime in the next 24 hours, I *promise* to bring you more about how Bill Simmons annoys me so much (yet keeps me coming back), what really happens when you mix the napkin game with 60 year old women, and how much fun it can be at a college football game before your school blows a 20 point halftime lead.

Until then, I leave you with my NFL picks for the week, already 2-0 and up a game on Pete thanks to Chicago out-sucking Dallas on Thursday, and within a game for the entire year, with the weekly record all tied up at 5-5-1 (with both of us sitting around a paltry 59% success rate).

Jacksonville at MINNESOTA - Randy Moss should be back, even if he's only in for 3 plays, he'll grab 3 TD's and its lights out Jags.
San Diego at KANSAS CITY - KC deserves a break today. Actually every day. And its not so much that they deserve it, as the law of averages demands it at this point.
Tennessee at HOUSTON - Steve McNair's injury status continues to be as easy to predict as the weather. And it's gonna snow tomorrow. Or maybe its rain. Sunshine, anyone?
CLEVELAND at Cincinnati - Both teams suck, and I'm going to secure a Bengals win with this pick. I was dropped down the stairs as a child, and it continues to affect my Browns-related rationale. The 2003 version of this game featured another moment in "Where in this crowd of people is Tony?"
Tampa Bay at CAROLINA - Did you know that Pocatello, Idaho was voted the worst city flag in the country? Or at least 150th, the first round number they could find when they stopped caring.
Washington at PITTSBURGH - I promise this Steelers roll is going to end. Against a shitty team at home isn't the time to stop any streaks.
PHILADELPHIA at NY Giants - Eli Manning is gonna have a rough welcome to the league. And that's just from Kurt Warner's wife. The Eagles will go a little easier on him.
New Orleans at ATLANTA - Huntington, WV has the 149th best flag. Rapid City, South Dakota was 148th.
Buffalo at SEATTLE - Koren Robinson is out for four games for smoking weed. If only he had settled for hooking up coke deals on his phone, he would have gotten two games.

(Unfortunately, I ran out of time at work, and I don't think any of the following deserve witty commentary anyway.)
Miami at SAN FRANCISCO
NY JETS at Arizona
Baltimore at NEW ENGLAND
Oakland at DENVER
St. Louis at GREEN BAY

Random thought of the night: If Hillary Duff is headlining with Jessica Simpson and Nick Lachey at the Rockefeller Center tree lighting ceremony (sometime soon on NBC), what has Vegas set as the odds that not only does Nick bang Hillary, but Jessica sticks with him afterwards? I'm thinking its a favorable 3-to-1, tops.

...turkey and pigskins

okay, just pigskins for now...

Indy beats Detroit, Drew Henson leads Dallas over Chicago, and I am sick of mashed potatoes and gravy by... well, probably never, but I'm gonna try!

...weekend REview (part one)

So two days later, I think I've finally figured out how to discuss the Ohio State-Michigan game in an FCC-friendly way. Actually, I've been alternating between drinking, sleeping, driving, watching the Browns suck ass again, driving some more, visiting family, and sleeping again to have any time to discuss the Ohio State-Michigan game, but, thanks to a few faithful readers (two OSU fans and a neutral site with the same "What in the wide wide world of sports is going on out there?" attitude I had), I can turn this into a question and answer session.

OPENING STATEMENT:
The only thing that didn't play true to form in this game was the temperature.
-Near flat gray sky? Check.
-The down and out team rising up and knocking of the clear favorite? Check.
-Drunken idiots? Check (times 105,000 and me later on...see part two).
-One team taking the game by the throat, but having a moment of "uh oh, they're coming back" creep into their heads? Kinda check.

There's more, but you get the idea. Something just felt right about OSU jumping out on top early (is it too soon to start saying that Ernest Shazor slipped? I mean, that's gotta be the reason anyone would give up a big play in a big game, right?), getting everyone jacked up, then Michigan working like a machine to move ahead 14-7. Even after OSU tied it up and then got a total of 3 points out of two separate first and goals inside the 4, it felt like Michigan would get to the locker room, wake up, and put up 35 in the second half to take care of it. Instead, OSU is the team that found the jugular, and Michigan looked like the team that showed up for the last 3 1/2 quarters at Notre Dame, and the first 3 1/2 quarters against Michigan State.

I'm not big on the idea the "no matter what you do the rest of the year, beating your rival makes the season" theory, but when you're playing for a team like Michigan, where you clearly have three major rivals on your schedule, not to mention the offensive weapons they have (they get a slight pass for the ND game, since Henne was still figuring things out, and Michael Hart was forced into duty from the third string that day, but regardless...) you would think they could come out and get jacked up for those games, and put them away. Or at least make them close. They got kicked around by ND's defense, then eventually, ND's offense, they got manhandled by MSU until 7 minutes left in the game, and OSU made them look like the coaches forgot to tell them the opponent might blitz on occasion. An ugly day, for sure.

Now onto the questions, posed by my lovely readers:

Kurt writes:
WOW! All I can say is Ted Ginn Jr., is fast.

That and new cars all around!!!!


Yes he is. And its amazing that he can run that fast, his running motion is about as fluid as a Special Olympian, but man that dude can fly. Though its not so much his speed that impressed me as his balance. He'd get hit and spun around, and come out of it 5 yards downfield and in full stride again. THAT's what was frustrating me the most.

I didn't see any of the new cars while I was there, but the greenery around campus was impeccable. They must have a great landscaping crew!

Dan writes:
WHY THE HELL DO PEOPLE INSIST ON KICKING THE BALL TO GINN???

KICK IT THE F*** OUT OF BOUNDS!!!

SWEET BABY JESUS, FOLKS, IT AIN'T THAT F***ING HARD!!!

The best thing I could figure is that Michigan never realized that no matter how many times you contained him, he was just as big of a threat each time. Its just like flipping a coin. Just because it comes up heads five times in a row, it doesn't mean you should put your mortgage payment down on it coming up heads the next time, too. The first punt, they went his way, and didn't quite get out of bounds, but the generous hop and 25 yard roll pinned OSU to the 1. Of course, this led to the turning point of the game when Jim Tressel unveiled the wrinkle in his gameplan: That watching OSU's offense doesn't have to be a necessary evil to watch when you can't find drying paint or old people banging to entertain you. Seriously, I think I realized this most when I started reading around online, and I think it was Tom that suggested to my brother that backing into the Rose Bowl couldn't be a pleasing way to go. Can it really make an OSU fan happy that they lost four games this year, and struggled with Penn State, because their offense hinged on breaking one play a game and then smothering the other team with field goals when they had this 450 or whatever yard performance in them all along? About the Rose Bowl, if last year's Rose Bowl, and this OSU game don't put Michigan in the mood to score 180 points in Pasadena this year, I don't know what will. I don't know much about likely opponent Cal, but they don't have only one loss for a reason, and a different U-M team better show up than was out there on Saturday.

Back to Ted Ginn, the next couple punts, Michigan let him get away a little, but still contained him. Why Adam Finley wasn't trying to kick the ball off the press box from there on out, I don't know.

Tom writes:
So... if there were going to be deeper questions if the Buckeye defense failed to show up for the game, what does it mean if Michigan's entire team didn't show up?

Of course the whole team didn't show up, in college, the travel rosters are usually considerably smaller. God, I thought you'd know that by now. It mostly meant that while everyone else in Columbus was celebrating the win, I was finding out how many gallons of alcohol it would take me to forget the game ever happened. Surprisingly, it wasn't that much.

Has Michigan's coaching staff ever heard of adjustments? Why were they the last people on earth to (like djl) figure out that kicking to Ginn is a bad idea? And why, exactly, did the completely abandon the run after Hart gashed OSU for five yards a pop early?

They adjusted. They stopped running the ball, remember? Seriously, did I miss the page in the coaches handbook that said it was a good idea to completely abandon a decent-at-worst running game because you were down six points early in the third quarter?

Also, I didn't hear from you after the game. I figured either you couldn't get a cell signal (I sure couldn't) or you were strangling Lloyd with the cord from his headset. Either way, good times.

I was busy changing into my Iowa gear, sorry. (Did you know that Iowa's fight song is called "The Iowa Fight Song"? How novel.) I really did an awful job communicating with anyone I knew in town this weekend, which will happen when your car is left in a parking lot somewhere and you're just along for the ride. But don't you feel special enough that I thought of you while I was in line for the bathroom? Come on, don't you?

Bottom line, between Michigan's poor performance, and the Browns' not really showing up at all either, I've got one hope left for the weekend, tomorrow night at the Glass Bowl in Toledo. Sing it with me now...

Ay Ziggy Zoomba Zoomba Zoomba.....

...weekend PREview

Day one of the vacation was pretty successful. Got some cleaning done, some laundry, and a little shopping, too. Not as much as I had hoped, but it feels a little better. Just the thought of not having to work until Friday is a great feeling, too!

And, since I probably won't have much access to my computer (or my liver) in the next 3 or 4 days, let me just say that when I return to society, will everyone PLEASE have let the silly Monday Night Football skit thing go? Okay, so showing the top of some middle-aged ho's ass might be crossing a bit of a line, and it wasn't really all that necessary for the success of either show it was trying to promote, but to the people playing the race card? And comparing it to the Kobe Bryant... um... *cough* "situation"... would you please get a life already? Seriously. It was done in poor taste, maybe even worse judgement, but its not going to set the equal rights movement back 40 years. Let's move on.

Predictions for the rivalry weekend:

Michigan 31, Ohio State 16
Bowling Green 52, Toledo 34

Of course, the tone of each of these game will be set early, and if it becomes defensive in the Michigan-Ohio State game, the Buckeyes could easily pull out some big plays and win a 17-14 type game. If their defense doesn't show up (which if it doesn't show up, there are deeper questions to ask, the Michigan game being the event in your football life you make sure you're 180% ready for), Michigan could burn them early and often. Actually, with the way this series goes, Michigan very well may burn them early and often, but 3 quarters of domination and a comfortable lead heading to the fourth always turns into a touchdown, a field goal, and suddenly the trailing team is driving again, threatening to pull within 1 or 2. Last year is a perfect example, Michigan was one holding call away from opening up a four score (and seven years ago, of course) lead early in the third quarter, but then suddenly in the fourth, its 28-21 and OSU has the ball on the move. If Michigan's freshmen aren't overwhelmed by the atmosphere, the Maize and Blue will be fine. If they get off track and down a score or two, it could be a long day for the Wolverines.

I'm not quite as worried about the Bowling Green game on Tuesday. Toledo, while playing this one at home, and playing very well of late, have been a mess at times. BG's offense proved last week against Marshall that they're not to be messed with. Unfortunately, BG has shown in the past that if they get down, they occasionally try to switch things up to an offense that doesn't resemble their normal set at all, and the results are disastrous, at least until late when the game is almost out of hand. I still think they'll be ready, and despite a tight halftime score, will have no problem opening it up in the second half.

Now, onto the pros, if Cliff Notes form:

Pittsburgh, Indy, Carolina, Buffalo, Baltimore, Tampa Bay, New Orleans, Minnesota, Jacksonville, Cleveland, Seattle, San Diego, Philadelphia, Atlanta, Houston, New England

Back in a few days.

...could we at least pretend?

I don't even have to watch the Browns games and the offense gives me a headache. How can a team give up what must have been 40 sacks, a couple fumbles, and gain 68 yards on the ground and NOT want to replace the offensive line with the 5 fattest guys in the stadium, if only to prove a point? Thank you, William Green, for showing some emotion before the game, unfortunately, you're not helping this anemic offense in running pants and a sweatshirt. (Though thanks for not being as big of a dumbass as Steelers LB Joey Porter and taking a full roundhouse swing at a guy wearing a helmet. But remember, this is the same guy who missed time for being shot in the ass.)

Enough of them. The only saving grace for the day is that I went 9-4 with my picks, with favorite Philly going tomorrow night. Of course even that news has a downside, as Pete is standing at 9-4 as well, with Philly picked on Monday night. Ladies and gentlemen, we have a draw. Whoopee!!!

On the bright side, I got a ticket today for the Ohio State-Michigan game on Saturday. Hopefully this is just an insurance policy and a few connections come through to get me a little closer than my current seats in Dayton, but I'm in, and will be watching my first OSU-UM game as a fan. It will be my third overall, but the first two I was working for.

After that is the REALLY big game. (How can it get any bigger than OSU-UM? This time its easy.) BG plays at Toledo, and while my mother is apparently hoping against the "hookers and drugs" entertainment I originally had planned for Bancroft Street the night of the game, it looks like it could be a good day for a tailgate, with temps in the mid-40's during the day, and getting colder as gametime approaches. The only thing I'm not big on is the snow showers that might creep into the forecast, but if BG can lay the wood to the Rockets, none of that will matter.

...baby I got yo money

This week's NFL picks in memory of a man and an athletic program that can now meet up and share coffee in the big police records room in the sky...



The passing of Ol' Dirty Bastard (aka "Big Baby Jesus" and "Dirt McGirt") is one of those things that was a surprise, but really, why should it be? It's a tragedy when someone dies relatively young (he would have been 36 on Monday, more on that in a minute), but when that person likely has put enough drugs in their system to send a Colombian boy to college, its a little harder to feel bad.

Speaking of drugs, our second contestant is the Marshall University Thundering Herd. They're about as classy a bunch as, well, okay, so I can't think of anything that lacks that much class to compare it to. This program has built itself into a formidable Division 1-A football opponent with one winning formula.... take the kids that get kicked out of other schools for drugs, misdemeanor fleeing, traffic citations to the point where your license is suspended in the state of Mississippi, and turning them into young men. Young men who continue to evade police, fight players from other universities in bars, throw pickles at fast food restaurants, and assorted other "activities" that would get most other college students (much less athletes) kicked out on their ass. Well today at Doyt Perry Stadium in Bowling Green, those bastards (not necessary Old, but quite Dirty bastards that they are) got kicked to the curb. And then kicked again. As much as BG's defense makes me a bit queasy at times, the offense picks me up again. It was great to see BG run their offense, not something watered down that a high school JV team could figure out and stop. The only regret is that while they kept their foot on Marshall's throat down the stretch, they didn't dig in a little harder and put 70 up on those thugs. Marshall is leaving the Mid-American Conference after this year, and not only will it be a pleasure to not have to deal with their kind anymore, it was a thrill to kick them in the sack on their way out the door. Next up, Toledo. Its rivalry time, and while this one's on the road, if BG can tighten up some of the defensive woes and keep this offensive train chugging along, it could be a fun night on the banks of Bancroft Street. (I suppose even if BG loses, $100 or so to buy a hooker and some cheap smack could still make it a fun night on Bancroft Street.)

One more question about ODB... if people die in threes, does Yassir Arafat make the first "old, dirty bastard" to die? And if so, who's a candidate for #3?

To the pros we go!
KANSAS CITY at New Orleans - Both teams have been a trainwreck, but at least KC has found the kid who put the penny on the track that made it wreck, and they're out looking to kick some ass. New Orleans is just running in circles.

Baltimore at NY JETS - The Jets' backup quarterback is better than Kyle Boller any day. Baltimore should still feel lucky that they beat Cleveland last week.

Detroit at JACKSONVILLE - I think JAX is the trendy mid-season pick to go to the Super Bowl. That and Detroit sucks.

Tampa Bay at ATLANTA - Atlanta could be better, Tampa could be ALOT better.

Pittsburgh at CLEVELAND - My blind faith in the Browns continues. This Roethlisberger kid has to stop sometime, right? That's what I thought it two games he played against BG last year. If there is a God, he'll let the Browns pull this one out.

Seattle at ST. LOUIS - 44-35 final, Shaun Alexander's god-like performance not enough to outscore the Rams.

Chicago at TENNESSEE - Combined, these teams have used 1,392 quarterbacks since October 1.

Houston at INDIANAPOLIS - There is no "D" in Indianapolis. Really, its supposed to be spelled "Inianapolis", but they accidentally put a "d" in the name on the street signs, and it stuck. Trust me, I know these things. I live in Iniana.

CINCINNATI at Washington - NFL Week 10: "Where the shitty matchups come out to shine!"

Minnesota at GREEN BAY - Pack wakes up, Randy Moss continues to limber up for the next time he needs to run from the cops. (He played at Marshall, you know.)

NY Giants at ARIZONA - Larry Fitzgerald, welcome to the NFL. Eli Manning, your turn starts....now!

CAROLINA at San Francisco - When you have three picks to go and one witty comment left, always pick against the Niners.

Buffalo at NEW ENGLAND - The Patriots make it two in a row, and Chris Berman and crew start counting the weeks until they can start licking the Patriots again. (Yes, I meant to put the "c" in there. It's licking. Not liking. Licking.)

PHILADELPHIA at Dallas - Monday Night Football is going to start pushing for veto power about 5 minutes into the third quarter of this one.

...game on!

Reason #1,427 why I need to carry a notepad, tape recorder, and digital camera with me when I go out. What was going to be a quiet night at home turned into "I'll go out for a couple beers with a co-worker", which turned into about two napkin games shy of what I used to do for fun in Columbus. Three bars, three entirely different scenes.

While somewhat disappointed by the first bar, it wasn't too bad. Its less than a half mile or so from my apartment, it had a decent atmosphere (for a place that looks like some kind of lodge at a campground), and while the bartender wasn't exactly friendly, the rest of the group seemed sociable. Very diverse group there. Younger, older, white, black, blue collar, and... well, maybe a lighter shade of blue collar.

Then we hit bar #2. This is the epitome of why you don't listen to someone you've known for 2 months when it comes to "pretty cool places to grab a beer". This looks like the place where alcoholics go to drink and forget they're alcoholics. NASCAR everything on the walls, about 7 TV's in a room roughly the size of half my apartment, hooked up to an apparent satellite dish that's signal cut out every 3 1/2 minutes. But, the beers were cheap, there were credits left on the video crack machine, so we let fly into some trivia.

Just about then, this guy, maybe around 22 or 23 sits down next to us, and notices one of the questions on the video crack trivia game is about Europe. He mentions that he was just in Budapest, on a mission with his church. Okay, awkward, but that's all right, you do the church thing and got to go to Europe. I can dig it. Until he breaks out that he shouldn't be there, but drinking and smoking pot is the main interruption in his relationship with God. Um, check me if I'm wrong, but that's something for you and the big guy to work out, and you're killing my buzz. Nice guy, but that was a bit much. Finishing the time at that bar talking to the drunk (who didn't think he was drunk, despite a fifty or so dollar bar tab, drinking $2 Miller Lites and having come from a different bar earlier that night) about his trips to Vegas and his mom's vacations to Ireland was a pretty good alternative.

The need to eat overcame us, so we hit BW3 down the street, and were treated not only to a surprisingly good hamburger for a chicken place, but also the sweet sounds of a young New Edition, as well as a little BelBivDevoe, which I referenced in a post earlier this week. Seriously, I hadn't heard that song in probably 10 years, and here it is, less than a week after I bring it up. Go figure.

I think there was more to the night, but like I said, I didn't bring a notebook.

As far as the games go, I've been meaning to mention Ladder Golf for awhile. I can see where it looks fun, but it seems a little high maintenance when compared to other lawn-related games out there. But considering Jarts have been outlawed in this country, it seems that a game that's primary object is referred to as a "bolo" is a pretty solid replacement. How fun of a word is that? "Bolo". Heh. I giggle just thinking about it. (Ed. Note: I couldn't find it online, but astute readers will remember the term "bolo" from the film "Half Baked". And if you don't remember it, watch the movie until you do. Hell, watch it anyway, I am.)

Second on the games list is an old high school favorite, Leisure Suit Larry (site not necessarily safe for work). I was so excited when I saw this came out that I was ready to head out and buy it immediately. (Un)fortunately, I came across the review at Amazon.com, and its similar to its predecessor in name (and gratuitous digital boobie shots) only, and doesn't seem to be worth it. The day they come out with a new "Larry" that combines current video technology with the same "take off shirt" text-based gameplay of the original is the day I scan every store in the city to find a copy. But apparently not before then.

Finally, I've found a new online gaming addiction at Candystand.com. Well, its actually an old addiction, but with new games and a way to keep my high scores that doesn't revolve around 3" x 3" scraps of paper, I'm loving it. You can even challenge others to the games! Imagine not only playing miniature golf while you should be working, but kicking your friend's ass while you do! Isn't technology great? I don't know how the challenge thing works, but if anyone wants to challenge me, feel free, my username is "bgsu1996".

That said, I'm working on a way of posting my best scores at various other "online time wasters" soon, just to give you chumps something to work towards.

One more note, I don't know how much to believe this site, but apparently the NHL season isn't as much of a lost cause as we all think it is.

Which is nice.

...six of one...six the other direction

How many things can I bitch, whine, complain, be frustrated about and/or pound my head over about this Browns loss tonight? I set the over/under at 12.

1) I really can't complain when the offense puts together TWO decent drives the whole game, and even those are aided by penalties and end in a field goal and interception in the end zone.

2) Aaron Shea really should have caught that pass. The TE's were playing so well all game, blocking, hustling, catching, running, and for a pass to squirt off your hands in that situation, its just disturbing.

3) Even after he didn't catch the pass, what part of the "we're going to crack down on defenders holding receivers" speech in the preseason did this crew miss? Ray Lewis (see previous post about felony convictions and such) had a handful of jersey and an arm around the hip before Shea even came out of his cut.

4) They got away with it, but why does this team continue to insist on throwing 6 yard passes into traffic on third and 8 or 9? Antonio Bryant made a great move to get the first down out of it, but if he would have gone down... I don't know what I would have done, let's just be glad he got the first down.

5) So you just give up a 106-yard interception return for a touchdown to go down 14. Granted there's only 26 seconds left, but you get the ball out near the 40 or so, and RUN the ball? Put it up! Heave it! Do something other than run out the clock. This is the team that has lived for 5 years pulling things out of their ass and either winning, or almost winning ball games. This is a team that gave up 14 points in less than a minute (I think) to the Bears a few years back and lost a game in overtime. It was a little different circumstance, but it happened! Maybe they'll point to losing Kellen Winslow, Jr. on an onside kick as to why they didn't want to try anything, but as a fan of this team, and wanting to see them win 4 games all year (six if Cincinnati's fans are paying attention), this being one of them, do SOMETHING to show you have faith in pulling a miracle out. None of us expect it to happen, but none of us expected Quincy Morgan to come down with that ball (um, supposedly) against Jacksonville, none of us expected Dennis Northcutt to come up with that "backwards" onside kick against Tennessee... it happens. Bust your ass until the clock hits :00.

6) I think after Kelvin Garmon was injured, he false started on the trainer's table. Three times.

7) You lose a game to one of your most hated rivals. Don't stand at mid-field laughing and joking with the opponents. Shake hands, sure, but smiling minutes after a pissy performance against your rival? I hate that!

8) You have a change of possession timeout after a punt. If you want to review the punt, you have a 2 and a half minute commercial to look really hard at replay to see if you want to review it. When its obvious on the first look at replay that no one touched the ball while in the endzone, take your medicine and keep your timeout. Bootch went to the craps table one too many times with his semi-impeccable replay challenge record. It bit him in the ass when he should have seen it coming.

9) When you've just blown one timeout on a bad challenge, don't take another 2 minutes later because you can't figure out what defense to call on a two point conversion. (A 2-point conversion that was converted easier than...well it was pretty easy, lets say that.) Especially when said 2-point conversion only means that the opponent goes up 7. They had been getting 4 yards a pop on ya for most of the game anyway, what's saying they couldn't run Felon #2 up the middle and get it anyway. You're still down 7 and you have another timeout left.

10) If the other team is going to have a band, complete with a guy in a drum major outfit with a whistle leaning against the front row railing, I expect at least one pass to be thrown with full intent of knocking him off the railing. If you don't get the offense close enough to throw at him, do it in warmups, or simply find him after the game and kick his ass then.

I guess I couldn't get to 12, I thought for sure there was alot more hatred in me than that.

On the bright side, Lee Suggs ran *fairly* well against such a solid defense, Richard Alston showed good promise as a KR even aside from the 93-yarder (which I finally got to see!), and Garcia made some plays happen with his feet, which is why we're paying him. Now all they have to do is win. Hopefully next week, the Steelers' fans have been getting way too cocky. (Including one I came across online who is a big fan of "Heinz" Ward. Apparently she meant "Hines" Ward, I guess. If you're gonna get on the bandwagon, at least learn the names. Sheesh!)

Oh, and one more note from the Ravens game... Ed Reed will be the next one to share headline space with the words "warrant", "felonious" or "indictment". Of course, he'll walk, but that's really beside the point, right?

...I'm mad as hell, and I'm not gonna take it anymore!

Not me, personally, but I guess this guy weighed his options, and moving to Canada was too much of an effort.

Seriously, I know alot of people hold some serious beliefs about politics, and have views that conflict with other people's views (52% of the countries views, to be statistical about it), but if this guy was hoping to make some sort of statement by killing himself at Ground Zero, about the only statement he made is that he's a wack job.

The Browns are up 7-3 after a HUGE 93-yard return for a touchdown off the opening kickoff by Richard Alston. Of course, I missed it, and the offense has gained I think 4 yards since. Can I remind everyone of how much I hate the Ravens? Seriously, and with full effect.

Ray Lewis is good. I'll admit that. Ray Lewis is also a double murderer, but he won't admit that. Terrell Owens was right. He's never been in trouble off the field, yet he's a cancer. Ray Lewis is a good lawyer away from a long prison term, and he's on the cover of video games. It just doesn't make sense. And does he have to dance like an epileptic everytime he makes a tackle? Jeez, man, act like you've been there before.

10-3 Browns after Federal Felon #2 coughs up a handoff. C'mon Cleveland, kick these thugs in the balls and move on to Week 10.

...the time was 6 o'clock on the Swatch watch

Okay, its actually about 20 after 12, but who am I to ignore the BelBivDevoe lyric that's running through my head?

Let me just pass something along to those of you who don't realize that Bowling Green's football team is good...

Bowling Green's football team is good.

Maybe its just the inferior competition the past month and a half, or maybe it's the fan eager for another bowl trip in me, but they're good. There has been alot of talk about Toledo being the best of the MAC, and BG will get a chance to prove that wrong in a couple weeks, even though I don't see any comparison at all. People who write, talk, type and whatever about the MAC seem to have their hand in Toledo QB Bruce Gradkowski's pockets, and they ain't looking for change. They drool over his stats without looking 15 miles to the south and seeing first-year starter Omar Jacobs putting up comparable, if not better statistics than Gradkowski, with one catch...

Omar Jacobs has one leg. It happened when he was 15, he was working on an assembly line, making tractor parts, when an alligator grabbed a hold of his leg and ripped it off halfway. Hobbling on one foot, he took the alligator down and beat it within an inch of its life. Letting the 30 foot gator free to make his escape, young Omar hopped up onto a chair and, realizing the gator had eaten his right shoe, he dove across two tables, tackling the injured gator just as it tried to eat a family of small children, two puppies and a bunny rabbit named "Mr. Floppy". Teaching the gator one final lesson, Omar ripped its head from its body with his bare hands, then proceeded to rip all the good meat from its body and grilled gator steaks for the children of the village that night. He had in the meantime reattached his leg and fashioned a splint out of the gator's bones, and it healed perfectly, until he lost it in a card game with pirates two months later.

All right, so none of that's true. But if you look at the numbers between Jacobs and Gradkowski, they're very similar. However, and I don't have the exact numbers in front of me, but Jacobs has played more than one series of the fourth quarter I believe twice this season. And in most of the past month and a half, he's hardly made it out of the third. The kid was one of the big question marks coming into the season, and aside from a loss at Northern Illinois (where he still threw for 275 yards and ran for 2 TD's), he has been outstanding.

As BelBivDevoe would say... "and now ya know."

NFL Week 9...

I picked up a week and a game on Pete this week, but even though the tally sheet never leaves the left side of my computer desk, I can never find it Saturday night to know for sure. Heh.

Regardless, here are this week's picks in rapid fire fashion, so I can get to bed:

NY Jets, Cincinnati, Detroit, Arizona, Pittsburgh, Kansas City, Carolina, San Diego (high scoring game of the week!), Seattle, NY Giants, New England, Denver, Baltimore (prove me wrong, Brownies!!!) and finally Indianapolis.

Thank you and good night.

...I VOTED TODAY!

While my sheer anger for not getting a little sticker slowly subsides, I'm done with my voting. And I don't know what the rest of the country is complaining about, I was done in 8 minutes. Of course, it could have been 6 minutes if the high school girl working the registration table didn't have to see four forms of ID, but only the correct ID. And if I wouldn't have paused to talk to the guy painting outside, or the guy walking his dogs by the polling place. Oh well, after months of campaigning and bitching and whining and more campaigning and a little more bitching, I was finally able to vote for.....




....yo mama.

May she serve our country as well as she's served me.

...don't forget to kiss my...err...vote!

I don't think I could have summed up my upcoming day any better than this. Its going to be hell, I can feel it. The only bright side is that I get free food for dinner. And I get between 3 and 4 hours of overtime pay. Of course, its free food that's picked over by the other 100 people in the office for god knows how long, and the overtime pay is not the fun kind of "can you come in for 4 hours to make sure the TV's don't go off" overtime I can usually count on. This is going to be dirty elbows, nose to the grindstone, kick me in the balls overtime. Fortunately, the next day, everyone should take a quick deep breath and snooze through the day. The operative word here being "should". With all the acceptance speeches and 372.4 miles of raw tape coming at us tomorrow, Wednesday might be even worse. Good thing that's my Friday.

I don't have the detailed predictions that Dan has, though one number I've tossed in my head for a couple weeks is 281. If I have to make a guess (and not by tallying any "combinations" or totals or anything, just guessing), I'll say that Bush will pick up 281 electoral votes and stay in office. Once that's made official in June 2006, we can start looking toward the next election. Unfortunately, Montgomery Brewster is likely to not pick up any electoral votes.

Though here's a twist no one's thought of, I don't think...

Say we get the convoluted mess we had in 2000, but worse. By mid-December, lets pretend that three Supreme Court justices pass away. (It would be a hell of a coincidence, but they ARE in their 120's, you know.) If the vote gets to the Supreme Court, do they need a full nine members to come to a decision? If so, how fast can Dubya appoint his mom, dad and Laura to the Supreme Court, at least long enough to make him President again, but then get turned down and he has to pick three REAL judges? It's 2AM on election day, I'm allowed to have bizarre thoughts like that. I *could* have said to nominate Fred Flinstone, Bart Simpson and John F. Kennedy, but they're too busy voting Democrat in Ohio.

Okay, election stuff is gone. I almost got real patriotic and turned this page into a red, white and blue-a-thon, but 1AM was too early to try to figure out the CSS that would kick my ass anyway. In theory, it had pretty stars and stripes, and a ballot, too! I did, however, make a nice little button for my Christmas list. Its actually just my Amazon list, but if I can throw a good amount of stuff in there, I can just point at it when anyone asks if I have a Christmas list.

I had thought of doing something similar for the nauseating NFL picks Pete and I have been doing, but its coming up on Week 9, and I'm getting my ass kicked, so I thought I'd pass. I did win this week, with a whopping 6 games right. I think that cuts Pete's weeks won lead down to 5-3, and I'm within 6 games total. Plenty of time, my friends... plenty of time.

One final election note, actually...

There has been alot said and done in the last 9 months or more, too much to sift through, but if there is one thing to remember through all of this, Michele says it perfectly.

Thank you, good night, don't drink and vote!